To: Employee Felis Domesticus
From: Your Executive Management Team, Our Company
Subject: Official Written Warning Regarding Feline Nonuse of Technology
Dear Felis Domesticus:
It has come to the attention of the Executive Management Team (EMT) that you have
• not set up your Outlook calendar
• not entered your daily schedule into Outlook
• not synced your Outlook calendar to your Google calendar
• not synced your Outlook and Google calendars to your iCalendar
• not accepted any meeting requests
• not completed any assigned tasks.
Business technologies are our first and foremost resources in completing daily tasks (e.g., eating, napping, hunting, cleansing ourselves) in the most efficient way. Without technology, we would be forced to revert to out-dated, substandard business practices that are not only obsolete, but also are inefficient, and not cost effective. For maximum productivity and the highest ROI, Our Company has granted you access to hardware, software, and web programs that will not only help you work smarter, but also make your job as “cat” easier.
In order for you to succeed at Our Company, you must be willing to utilize the technology we provide. If you do not log on and sync your calendars, how will you know when to commence amplified monologues in your native tongue during designated quiet hours? If you do not accept your meeting requests, how will you know premium allotted hunting hours, when to schedule one of your numerous daily “cat” naps, or at what point in the fall to grow a winter coat?
Felis, it is our greatest desire to see you THRIVE as a valued member of our team, as a productive member of society, and as a cat. Please accept and keep this OFFICIAL WRITTEN WARNING as a token of Our Company’s concern for you and your time. Remember, Our Company has your best interests at heart, and we want you to get the most out of your daily business practices.
Please complete the task list above at your earliest opportunity. If you have any questions, if you would like to discuss the contents of this letter, or if you desire professional counseling, please send an Outlook request to your Human Resource Representative.