American Résumé-Writing Propaganda for the Un(der)employed

How #white is your resume, @Friend? The whiter the better, and down the letter, the more #American you seem, but better your odds of scoring the real American #DREAMjob.

Is your name José? Better go by Joe. Abelardo? Abe. Moises? Moe.

You have two last names? Here in #America, if you have two last names it is because your parents were very #progressive (read: hippie) or you are a #pseudofeminist. Otherwise, if you’re a real, regular flag-waving citizen, you have one last name. That, my friend, is only #American.

What if you have a #nontraditional #surname? Short answer: legally change it or simply use an initial on your resume as a subtle allusion to international mystery, camouflaging your #immigrantpeasantry. The #unemployed “José Gutierrez Padrera de la Mar, Artista” updates his resume to say “Joseph M. | Designer” and BANG–he’s got himself an inbox full of job offers. #sublteracism #Americanize #whitewash #culturejam

Is your language too flowery, too choppy, too ESOL-y? #Noworries. Americanize your #résumé and #coverletter by following three simple steps:

  1. Write at a fifth grade level. This is the level at which the average American reads. #literacy #checkcubasstats #education #read
  2. Insert aggressive, world-dominating power verbs like #integrated, #facilitated, #asserted, #inserted, #penetrated, and #dominated to prove that you are always doing something exceptionally important, and to #demonstrate that you are not a #passive #loser like #theFrench.
  3. Weave in additional subtle semantic reinforcements of how #American you are by referencing how you support #thetroops, #camp out with your #family, attend #church (#blessed), and/or that you #volunteer in your #community.

@Friend, if you take these tips to heart, your résumé will be sufficiently #whitewashed to land you the American #DREAMjob.

Good luck, and don’t trip over your boot straps!

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