Dear Prospective Employer,
It is with a moderate amount of ambivalence and a great degree of lassitude that I tender my application for the ambitiously worded, yet somehow vaguely described, Office Job at your esteemed Capitalist Enterprise.
I know your first questions will be–why do I want this job and what qualifications would I bring to the table? Let me put it layman’s terms for you: in order to maintain a steady income, not be cast in the street, and assure my small fuzzy pussy (see below) is kept in the finest Fancy Feast, I must daily brave the servitude of the modern office. In other words, the official time has come for me to secure new employment, and you are on my list of places to apply. Since my current position requires entirely too much focus, energy, effort, care, and labor, I am in the market to present my highly sought-after skills to a company like yours—a large place where I can sit hungover in my cubicle and gchat with friends in between alt-tabbing to the complicated-looking spreadsheets I will dutifully download from online.
I’d like to further explain how I have a lot to bring to the table. I am great at research and at noticing things, and putting to good use the data from my observations and experience. For example, according to your loquacious, albeit poorly worded job advertisement, I observed that this job requires significant experience and multiple advanced degrees for an entry-level position. This data was at first perplexing to me, and no doubt to the thousands of other underemployed citizens of our great country, but then upon further research, I observed that you offer a “competitive compensation package.” Even further painstaking research revealed the details of your compensation package, and I am here to report that your payscale is worse than the public school system and nothing short of a laugh. Would you care to explain with whom exactly you are “competitive”? KFC? Lady Foot Locker? Wal-mart? Goodwill? I can certainly attest from experience that your pay scale is indeed not competitive with other comparable businesses in the area, and that you will be hard pressed to find another person–besides me–who will actually show up to work for that paltry penance.
I also thoroughly read the task list and job description for this position, and I was remiss to find the number of tasks that this one position is responsible for–and the qualifications which are required for this job–are both gloriously over-the-top. Evenings and weekends? What were unions for?! How can one employee possibly be expected to complete such extensive to-do lists on a daily basis, but actually not produce anything is beyond me. But if you are that interested in filling a chair, I will gladly not produce anything for you every day until one or both parties see fit to terminate my employment.
That said, as you can tell, I am great at life, good at business, yada yada yada. If you deign me worthy for an interview then eventually grant me a paid position, I do solemnly vow to show up every day–most likely on time or just five or thirty minutes late–and I will demonstrate true ambivalence and lassitude day in and day out–in the truest sense of these words.
I look forward to hearing back from you soon, and I look forward to telling you and your esteemed colleagues exactly where you all can shove it.